When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
