Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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