This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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