Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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