Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
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Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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