im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
