so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
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Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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