She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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