I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
