i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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