Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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