6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.