I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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