I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
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How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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