You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
