We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
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I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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