I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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