It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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