I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
