your parents love me but you hate me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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