I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My vagina is officially offended.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
