There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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