she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I supernannyed him into submission