It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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