Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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