what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
