His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
