i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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