Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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