Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
