My first STD was from a foam party
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
