You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
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I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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