I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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