guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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