Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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