all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Someone came in the potted fern
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
