Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.