I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...