alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.