Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
we made out on top of his cat.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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