Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy