someone threw a dead crab at me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.