I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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