I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
