trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
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I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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