he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it