If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
