Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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