I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
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If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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