his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
