I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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