Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i need some magic done to my vagina
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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