This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
